The last day in Galicia, on the Upper section of the Rio Cabe. I'm standing above a rapid visualising the moves I need to make to get down. A year or two ago even this scout would have caused me a huge ammount of anxiety, (in fact i'd have probably found it the scariest part). Climbing over slippy granite sloping directly with a drop into the rapid below us. But now, my feet move meticulously but confidently. I know i have an "odd" style of moving around in this terrain, I'm short and I use that to my advantage, I keep low and i'm not afraid to bear crawl on the slippy bits or slide myself on my butt, despite looking utterly ridiculous and reminiscent of a uncoordinated lemur, I think its rather effective. When i reach the spot we're scouting from i stand, looking down into the rapid below us. Even in the moment i suddenly become of aware of how calm I am, thinking back to a couple of years ago when I had a panic attack on the swale from a muddy slippy scout above a drop (where I realised I had become afriad of heights at some point) and had to get off the river. I must have spent hours moving around on this sort of terrian since, I knew i'd improved a lot but this was one of those moments when I realised just how much, my actions and my confidence were my evidence,

We talk about the line and fear sets in, I know i can make the moves, I see myself doing them. Anton demos for us, I KNOW I can do it. But as always the little bit of my brain that thinks its protecting me starts showing me images of the worst consequences that could possibly happen (generally me stuck upside down somewhere drowning, this time it focuses on the rocks on the left) . I ask if i can watch one of the others go before I make my mind up. Eoghan makes the line fine. Bartosz gestures to me from the rock he has set safety on at the bottom of the rapid, thumbs up? thumbs down? It would be so easy to give him a thumbs down, that over protective part of my brain wants me to, telling me I'm a dumbass for doing this. But instead I gave him a thumbs up, I can see myself running the line and succeeding, I believe I have the skills required and the risks, though present, are "acceptable" so this means I do it. This is the rule I have set myself and so far it hasn't led me wrong. I trust the supportive part of my brain, not the catastrophic part. This doesn't mean I don't walk rapids, sometimes I don't see the line clearly or I see it but I don't see myself running it. So then I walk. But if not, if I can see myself doing it, I do it, and if I'm scared, I do it scared. (Or at least in theory this is what I try to do)

As I monkey scramble back to my boat, I rehearse in my head the line, the movements I want to make, where i need my boat to go. I see myself through the rapid at least 3 times before I reach my boat, specifically I do this from a 1st person perspective, something I picked up off Lowri during my advanced leader training (look into the science of why this works, its really fascinating!!). And then as I put my deck on my boat I do something I heard from one of the big waterfall runners (maybe someone can remind me who it was!) I commit, completely. Now isn't the time for second guessing, I'm going down this rapid one way ↑ or another ↓ and it will be what it is.

And I smashed it!! It didn't go completely to plan but does anything? Possibly because at the top I decided to change my plan slightly and caught an eddy I hadn't visualised? But either way it was a mild wobble and one i dealt with efficiently and hit my line regardless. I don't have footage of myself doing the rapid but I do have footage of the celebration at the bottom!!!

We then continued down the rest of the river, a beautiful and very continuous class 3+/4 that went on for miles. Some of the best paddling I've ever had.

This week I have learnt a few things, I am a much more skilled paddler than I realised. I need to trust in my abilities more and when I do I can do some awesome things. My comfort zone is expanding and although I did some of the most technical and continuous paddling I've ever done this particular rapid was the only thing that really made me scared. Though I'm sure a large part of that rests upon the shoulders of our fantastic coaches, Bartosz, Anton and Quim.

I feel like this whole post has only been me telling you all how awesome i was. and maybe it is. But also, I think I did awesome and I am proud of myself! I am proud of the progress I have made over the last 3 years, how far I've come and what a different person I am now. My life is something I wouldn't even have dreamed of a few years ago and all week I kept looking around in wonder than this amazing place with all these amazing people around me was where I had actually ended up. I owe a lot to many people in this community that helped me get to this point, but I also owe a lot to myself.