When to push yourself forward?

And how do I go about doing this?

I have close friends which I have been exploring these rivers with on our peer paddle days. But these days are often further between than I would like, as we spend most weekends leading club trips and I would like to continue paddling with these people on the weekends whether on club trips or peer paddles.

But I find myself free in the week often, and "typically" the rain seems to come on a mon - wed which is useless for the weekend anyway. But although I am feeling the urge to potentially explore and push my skills a bit further I am concerned that I would not be able to be part of a peer team if I am pushing my capabilities, I would probably, at first need to be "led" (at least from a confidence perspective). It's been a long time since I've been "led" anywhere really, either I've been leading or I've very much been a peer in a team. In fact the last time would be on the Swale, September 2023.

That leads me to another problem, I have had a few opportunities to explore some rivers I think are totally within my capability and I would paddle as part of a peer group. though they would maybe be a bit more difficult than what I paddle usually (in this case it was the Wnion). And I bailed. I know on any other day, with my own crew I would have had a go. I don't know whether it's trust issues, but I think in reality it's more of a comfort thing. How do I push through this? Should I push through this? Or do I just take this for what it is and trust my gut?

Answers?

I guess in a perfect world I would find a crew of much more capable paddlers than me that would be willing to take me under their wing when they are going on rivers that are suitable to have me tag along. Thats how I got this far in my paddling career and I think considering how far I came in 2 1/2 years that clearly worked very well.
But this is obviously easier said than done, you can't just invite yourself along. Unless you happen to date a top tier paddler, which seems to be how most women get into these crews. Not to shit on them at all. But it does seem to be true that when you look at women grade 4 paddlers they have gotten there from either being in a relationship with a grade 5 paddler (and have worked hard to become great paddlers themselves, I am not suggesting they don't belong there but that's the way the got the opportunity to get there). Or they are/were international level playboaters. There doesn't seem to be anybody like me. So part of me wonders if there's even a space for me. I've never felt any sort of sexism from the vast majority of the paddling community but I've been told that changes when you take the step uptp grade 4 paddling. I have yet to experience it.

Of course, I plan to jump on a couple of g4 advanced courses but in my experience over the last couple of years thats not how you make consistent progress and is not a long term plan unless of course you have the money to pay for them frequently (which I don't).

I don't have the answers. I guess I'm looking for advice. And maybe people to paddle with 😂.