The loss of a role model.

I rarely write for myself these days, but I had been playing for a while with the idea of starting a blog about kayaking. I wish this wasn't the reason I finally decided to do it though. I have been struggling to come to terms with the emotions I have been feeling and writing them down seemed like a way to wrap my head around something that still seems so unreal.

It’s an odd feeling, to grieve so hard, for someone you met a couple of times. Especially when there are people who you know who were close to him and are really truly grieving. It makes me feel like an intruder on their grief, feeling something I have no right to feel. But even so I have found myself in tears several times this week and again just now, as I was scrolling through YouTube and a Senders videos popped up, I saw his always smiling face and I started crying. Crying for the loss of someone too young, for the loss of a personal role model and inspiration, for the loss to our community, and for the loss of a genuinely good guy.

And I know I’m not the only one, everyone I have spoken to is in a state of shock, and many have expressed the same feelings I am having, grieving for someone who they felt like they knew so well but who they had only met in passing. It’s a testament to the impact Bren had on our community, he was an inspiration to me and so many other paddlers. We all followed his escapades; we were swept up in his enthusiasm for the sport and we all wished we could be like him and paddle with him.

The first time I met Bren was at the 2022 Park Jam at the Dee, it had been put together in a rush and there was only a few weeks' notice and there was only a few of us there. About 10 teenage boys who were throwing down playboats and me. A 30 year old women who had been kayaking 5-6 months, who had just started to figure out a flat-water roll. I felt out of place when I arrived, but Bren quickly made sure I felt like I was welcome. I’ve read many others in the past week say he always was so enthusiastic about encouraging other people on the river, and that's what I experienced. He didn’t care that I couldn’t really roll and every time I got on the bottom wave I got knocked over immediately. He was just thrilled that I had fallen madly in love with the sport that he loved too. I think it would have made him happy to know that a few weeks later I was getting back on that wave over and over again for about 5 hours straight, still getting knocked over every time but also rolling up every time too.

From that time at the Park Jam I watched all of the Senders videos followed him on Facebook and Instagram. He became one of my biggest inspirations alongside Nouria Newman. I imagined myself in the future paddling the rivers he was. Joining in on adventures to beautiful epic rivers in far of places, a pipe dream for sure.

I missed Park Jam this last year, I planned to go but when the time came, I couldn’t be bothered, something else seemed more important and I remember thinking to myself “I’ll just go next year”, a regret.

I saw him a few weeks ago at the Tryweryn and I said Hi, I don’t suppose he remembered who I was, but of course I got an enthusiastic “Hiya” back. My group got on just behind him and Aaron Kendal and some others, we watched them playing and videoing/photographing each other, as we trailed them down the river.

I haven’t been kayaking very long really, just under 2 years but I eat, sleep and breath it. I was lost and lonely before I started paddling. I love kayaking itself, paddling has brought me a sense of peace and a sense of self I have been searching for my whole life. But it's also brought me something else I had been looking for and I didn’t even know it. A community. I love this community from the bottom of my heart, it is the most tightknit and welcoming community of the most amazing people, I never had to prove myself to be included, all I had to do was love paddling on white water too. Everyone has time for each other, and everyone seems to truly care about each other, from the best paddlers in the country to those who have only just begun their kayaking journey, you only have to go to a busy Tryweryn on a summers day to see that. What other sport would you get that?

I might be new to this community but I don’t think anyone would disagree that the loss of Bren has cut deep. It will take time to heal and he will leave scars on our hearts. His enthusiasm, and passion will live on, and he will be deeply, truly missed.

Rest in peace Bren, I'm sorry you had to leave the river too soon